WTF language is this?

I don't know how your company works, but our company keeps a skeleton crew with the expectations that nothing will EVER go wrong. Well, they couldn't be more wrong.

They've been trying to cross train us so each one on our team members can do someone else's job, just in case something happens. But we're so shorthanded we just don't have the time or resources. "We need to get this cross training done in the unfortunate event that something happens to someone. God forbid!" OK, that's all fine and dandy, so when would you like us to squeeze that in?

Well, we started creating "Job Aids" which contain, or are supposed to contain, the full instructions to complete a job. Any monkey is supposed to be able to pick up these papers and do any job. Wow, what a relief! This will really be helpful. NOT.

So yesterday, an unfortunate event happened and one of our team mates needed surgery. Okay, we have job aids. I'm sure it won't be easy, but how hard can it be? Well, let me tell you!

Not only did I have my own 8 hours worth of work to do, but now I had someone else's 8 hours of work. So anyways, I sit down with a "Job AID" to process a report. I read, and re-read, and RE-READ. OK, I think I have it. I pull the report down from a program, I save it as Excel. I move colums, hide others, and create new ones. OK, now I need a macro do pull some more information, it's found on the share drive, so I look, and I look....it's not there. That's OK, I can do a "vlookup", so I read, and re-read, and RE-READ...turn the page, no vlookup instructions.

WTF! I've maybe done ONE vlookup in my life, I can't pull the information out of my ass, although that is apparently where my crystal ball is stored! Because some people ASSUME you know what they know. Well, what happens when you assume? It only makes an ASS out of U and ME!! So now I'm the idiot sitting there with no one to help me and a file that needs to be worked so it can be sent to the main office!! ARRRRG And the fargin instructions are even more asinine!

So wtf is this? It looks like English. They are English words, but they make absolutely NO sense! So finally, on the SECOND day, I figure out that what's not making any sense is the face that the "heading" for the next set of the instructions is actually labeled as a STEP, instead of a description! Make any sense to you? Well, it didn't make sense to me either. AAAAAAAAAAAAH!! So here's me, reading this paper, weeping, wondering why I have to look in the item inquiry, and then 2 steps down have to do it again. When it clicked, I swear, it was a good thing that woman was not at work. Wham bam, to the MOON!

Well, another day was wasted on that garbage. I finally managed to get the bulk of it done. It's now two days late. Not sure I care at this point. I was just glad the manager was at our meeting this morning, because I basically said I was going to have to choose what was NOT going to get done today. That's always a good thing to be able to do to upper management! HAHAHA!

Good thing they gave me that big raise this year....I almost walked. Oh well, another day, another disaster!