So, when you travel halfway across the country to get to work...

...you encounter a gazillion and a half insane and stupid drivers!!

You may notice that a lot of my rants involve driving. That's because I have to drive clear across my state and into the next to get to a job that gives me migraines and carpal tunnel. So I come across all kinds of insane behavior.

Like this morning. A delivery truck had to honk at some idiot who cut him off, even though that idiot thought they had plenty of room. And she did it because people can't decide how fast they want to drive. I can hear them...seriously, I can. They're sitting there going, "la la la. I think I'll speed it up a bit. Oh no, now I'm in front of the vehicle next to me, I better slow down. La la la. Oops, now that vehicle is in front of me, I better speed up." All the while never giving anyone any real room to get BY!!! So YES, I CUT YOU OFF BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE TO WORK BEFORE THE SUN SETS, and I know I had room, dude.

See! Now I've become one of those annoying drivers. Which, thankfully, the Speedy Delivery guy (yes, that's the name on the truck) reminded me with his honk. Yes, I SAW YOU FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! Now move!! Remember, I need to be in front.

And you know what? I really love my V6 Impala. It goes fast. Did I tell you one day I was driving down the freeway and changed lanes to pass a car that was going slower then me. And what happens? Yep, he speeds up. FINE, I'll pull back into the lane behind you! (angry face and lots of @#$%^&*!)

What? NOW YOU SLOW DOWN? God, fine, I'll pass you....hey...what the? No, you are not going to play this game with me, asshat (I toned that down a little for you faint of heart), you are not going to speed up when I do, and slow down when I do.

So I floor it and zip past him. It doesn't take long for my car to do 80. And I take my foot off the gas and let it go back to my cruising speed. HUGE smirk on my face, cuz, yeah, I passed the Cavalier full of teenagers!

What's this? The Cavalier is pulling up behind me? Changing lanes to pass me? Ah, no, because we're not playing that game! I have a 6 cylinder, you only have 4. You will NOT beat me!

So, we're traveling at about 75 now, because I thought it best I stay in front of the little people. But, no, they feel the need to creep up on me, so I figure that the car load of punk kids should be given the evil eye, so I turn my head with a huge grin on my face, that grin said, "Really? Do you want to take on a v6? Not only will I win, but your rods will shoot out of your engine block, and the smoke will be seen for miles around. And yes, I'll stop and laugh while I call you an expensive tow truck, YOU EVIL LITTLE PUNKS!"

So they backed off and slowed down, and left me alone. Don't mess with a middle aged angry woman behind a V6 engine!!!

And that is pretty much a typical adventurous day on the drive to work for me!

WTF language is this?

I don't know how your company works, but our company keeps a skeleton crew with the expectations that nothing will EVER go wrong. Well, they couldn't be more wrong.

They've been trying to cross train us so each one on our team members can do someone else's job, just in case something happens. But we're so shorthanded we just don't have the time or resources. "We need to get this cross training done in the unfortunate event that something happens to someone. God forbid!" OK, that's all fine and dandy, so when would you like us to squeeze that in?

Well, we started creating "Job Aids" which contain, or are supposed to contain, the full instructions to complete a job. Any monkey is supposed to be able to pick up these papers and do any job. Wow, what a relief! This will really be helpful. NOT.

So yesterday, an unfortunate event happened and one of our team mates needed surgery. Okay, we have job aids. I'm sure it won't be easy, but how hard can it be? Well, let me tell you!

Not only did I have my own 8 hours worth of work to do, but now I had someone else's 8 hours of work. So anyways, I sit down with a "Job AID" to process a report. I read, and re-read, and RE-READ. OK, I think I have it. I pull the report down from a program, I save it as Excel. I move colums, hide others, and create new ones. OK, now I need a macro do pull some more information, it's found on the share drive, so I look, and I look....it's not there. That's OK, I can do a "vlookup", so I read, and re-read, and RE-READ...turn the page, no vlookup instructions.

WTF! I've maybe done ONE vlookup in my life, I can't pull the information out of my ass, although that is apparently where my crystal ball is stored! Because some people ASSUME you know what they know. Well, what happens when you assume? It only makes an ASS out of U and ME!! So now I'm the idiot sitting there with no one to help me and a file that needs to be worked so it can be sent to the main office!! ARRRRG And the fargin instructions are even more asinine!

So wtf is this? It looks like English. They are English words, but they make absolutely NO sense! So finally, on the SECOND day, I figure out that what's not making any sense is the face that the "heading" for the next set of the instructions is actually labeled as a STEP, instead of a description! Make any sense to you? Well, it didn't make sense to me either. AAAAAAAAAAAAH!! So here's me, reading this paper, weeping, wondering why I have to look in the item inquiry, and then 2 steps down have to do it again. When it clicked, I swear, it was a good thing that woman was not at work. Wham bam, to the MOON!

Well, another day was wasted on that garbage. I finally managed to get the bulk of it done. It's now two days late. Not sure I care at this point. I was just glad the manager was at our meeting this morning, because I basically said I was going to have to choose what was NOT going to get done today. That's always a good thing to be able to do to upper management! HAHAHA!

Good thing they gave me that big raise this year....I almost walked. Oh well, another day, another disaster!

Ah yes, here we go again....Welcome f-ing home!

My husband now works as an over the road trucker. It's a big change that we both have to try to get used to. Thanks to the economy, I'm sure there are many families out there who are making sacrifices also. So, when this decision of truck driving first came out, I was sad. But at least we'd be together every 3-5 days, so that won't be so bad, right? After all, he'd already been out of town for four weeks straight right before Thanksgiving, and we both survived. So we can do this too.

Well, as he's getting ready to leave, I realize I can't keep it in any longer. After all, some jackass is going to try to mug him, he'll get clubbed over the head with some pipe and be left for dead. He'll be mobbed, robbed and assaulted, and I'll never see him again, nor will anyone ever know what happened! Oh my god, he can't leave!! Deep breath, don't over exaggerate, everything will be fine. So just before he's getting read to leave, to show my confidence and support, I blurt out, "Maybe you should go buy a gun!"

NICE!! That'll make him feel better. Anything else you want to blurt out to boost his confidence and security? So, in return, to make me feel even better I hear "You know, I was thinking about that. I'm going to ask if I can bring a gun. But for now I'm bringing my knife."

Well sweet! So we're both thinking these hideous things and now neither one of us will get any sleep! My advantage is that I have a 100 pound dog to watch my back. And my husband is going to be completely alone, the man who can sleep through an earthquake! Good lord, he'd be killed before he even knew what was happening. *heavy sigh*

So, anyways, just this last week he gets the unexpected pleasure of coming home on a Tuesday night just this last week. Whoopee, we were both exhausted last weekend, and now is the perfect opportunity for me to break out the new nighties I secretly bought and we can get down to business!

So, I make him a big roast dinner. Definitely something he's not used to. I hate cooking these days, and rarely ever did. Now that he's gone I feel like I want to do these little things for him again.

We enjoy the meal, and are sitting at the table and he reaches over and grabs a letter. "Disconnection notice" from the power company. Oh hell, why did I leave that out. There are some things better left unseen by my husbands eyes: one is the mortgage payment coupon showing the total blood money due; and second is anything stating "final notice" or "disconnect". So naturally, he freaks out.

me: I paid the bill just last week. We just got that one, so it's OK, they just crossed in the mail.
him: are you sure. We don't need to come home and have the meter gone like before. (yes, I did it once before, I'm dumb, I admit it)
me: I just paid the damn thing, they crossed in the mail. I'm telling you.
him: I know you say you paid it, but maybe you just think you did. It's too cold to get the power shut off. And we don't have $100 to get it hooked back up. You need to make sure.

A fight ensues until I find the other portion of the bill. The portion where I write how much I paid with what check on what day. Does that make him happy? NOOOOO, he continues to nag and bitch and complain until finally I put my flannels on and go to bed pouting.

Thanks a lot you asshole! Now our night is ruined and we're both upset. And I haven't had sex in about 2 weeks. And since he's been gone, it seems like intimacy is the only thing that makes me feel like he cares. But who wants that now?

So, the week goes by, we talk on the phone, he's in a better mood, I'm still crabby. And he's coming home on Saturday. Well, this is the weekend all the grand kids are over, so there won't be a whole lot of intimacy going on, but at least we'll be able to enjoy each other's company.

Well, much to my surprise he walks in two hours early. And what are the first words out of his mouth? "Why the hell are both outside lights on, and how long have they been on? Don't you guys notice this stuff when you go outside? Why can't you pay attention to that stuff and shut those lights off. blah blah, blahbitty blah blah."

Are you fargin shitting me?? I haven't seen you for FIVE lousy days and the first thing out of your mouth is THIS? Well, needless to say, I blew. I let him have it. He made me feel like crap on Tuesday, and now he's doing it again!

Needless to say, the nightie is still in the closet....