Stupid Shit My Husband Says On Marriage

Election day is just around the corner and it seems like a hot topic is marriage.  Since my dear hubby (DH) is not allowed to talk politics with me I was surprised he asked me if he could ask my opinion on same sex marriage.  I was a little surprised by that since I consider myself very liberal and open minded, so he should know how I feel.

But, he insisted, and here's the irritating conversion, to the best of my memory.

dh: can I ask you how you feel about the issue of same sex marriage
me: well, it shouldn't even be a topic.
dh: yeah it should.
me: why, marriage is between the two people who want to be married. I shouldn't matter between you, me or anyone else.
dh: but the bible defines it as a union between a man and a woman.
me: the church should expend their energy cleaning house and keep their nose out of the business of the state.  That's why there's a separation between church and state.
dh: But if they allow two of the same sexes to get married, what's next?
me: (looking dumbfounded)
dh: Well, what's next? I mean, will a person want to marry their dog, or cat.  Or what if someone wants to marry a tree.
me: (looking even more dumbfounded)
dh: Well, that'll be the next thing to happen.  Don't you think?
me: NOOO!
dh: Sure it will.
me: No one is going to want to marry a tree! Or a dog, or a cat or anything else.
dh: Oh yes, it will happen. I guarantee it.
me: Shut up, stop talking.  We're done here.
dh: Yep, that'll happen next.

And this is how my evening started. I think I'll go back to mom's and watch football.

Swiffer Vs Target Brand

We have a dog, a cat, 3 grand kids, AND we live in the country. That means lots of animal hair, dust, grass, and whatnot.

I love my Swiffer. But anyone who uses one knows that those little clingy cloths can be pretty darn pricey sometimes. Normally, I buy name brand until I hear others tell me they've found another brand they like. But I did try the Target Brand. Here are the results:

Swiffer Brand Sweeping Cloths







What I like: On the floor these cloths are great at picking up dust and animal hair. Fine sand will get stuck in it, but heavier sand will not. Sometimes grass will stick as well. Depends on how long the kids were running in and out after the lawn was mowed. But all in all, the Swiffer will at the very least move all dust and debris closer to your garbage can for quick pick-up with a dust broom and dust pan.

For dusting furniture these cloths are the best. I love them because I don't have to shake them out and wash them. I'm a disposable kind of gal.

As far as the cloth holding the dust while you shake it out, I've never personally tried that. After all the work cleaning it up, I'm sure as heck not going to shake it out so it can get back on my furniture!

What I don't like: The price, obviously. I mean, all I'm going to do is get this dirty and throw it away. Why do I have to pay so much for garbage? lol

Would I recommend this item? Definitely!

Target Brand Quilted Sweeper Cloths






What I like: The price. This off brand is acceptable for cleaning floors. It might be good for hamsters to build a little nest, but I don't have a hamster to try that out on, sorry.

What I don't like: This brand does not pick up dust, it basically just smears it around. And you can see dust flying around as you wipe. Mainly because this cloth is not very plush. There's no fibers to grab onto the dirt.

Would I recommend this item? Definitely not!! Spend the extra money and get the name brand. You'll be a lot happier.

**Please note: all reviews are based on my personal opinion and not on any professional or monetary viewpoint.

Give 48 hours to Larry! Was this a HOAX??

Click the link to read about Larry, and learn how you can help!

48 for Larry

(this link has been deactivate)

Indie sellers united to help a fellow artisan. Funny how people disappear once they have a pocket full of other people's cash. Live and learn, I guess.

Some bidders never even received their items because the donors had no idea who to send them to. The invoices went out, people paid, and Larry disappeared.
added 1/24/2010

The veiw from my backdoor....

As most of you know, my posts are usually rants of driving through city traffic. I absolutely hate it. And if it wasn't for the beautiful area where I live, I'd move closer to work. But I'm not a city slicker, I'm a country gal.

And, as I sat under my grape covered pergola today, with the cat at my feet, listening to the birds chip I thought I'd give you a peek at my little slice of heaven in this world I call hell. This is what makes it all worth while. (click the pics to enlarge, and then hit your back button)

This is the view from my back door. I've always loved grape vines, and now I have my own.
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A peek under my pergola.
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My coffee cup from my dad. We live in Wisconsin. He was supposed to go to Florida on vacation, but instead he got to have quadruple bypass surgery. Yet he still managed to get me my coffee cup. We're both fanatics about our coffee :)
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This is supposed to be where the pool goes. However, hubby's hours were cut at work, and our last pool finally blew it's last leak. I still have hope for a new pool, though. Weeds are going today, and the tarp is going back down.
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Our backyard, garden and field.
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Behind the house. The old chicken coup will someday be torn down and my new studio will be there. I had a hard time saying goodbye to the daisies. But today they will be mowed down :(
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Past the yard, into one of our fields.
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Beyond the garden. That huge tree to the right is my beautiful willow. It basically blocks out all light, as you can see. But it's gorgeous.
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I love bugs! Seriously, what a cute butterfly ;)

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Widget Wars 2 On Blockhead Radio

You wanna know what widget wars are? Well, just read on and you'll find out! The below post is from Blockhead Radio's Blog:

Here at BHR we are all about fun and giveaways. So every month we are going to be doing a new round of World of Widgets. For every place that you post a BHR widget you get one entry. We have a lot of different ones to choose from from BHR widgets to Stalker Widgets. All of the widgets that on our promote page are usable. Just go there and copy and paste the code of the widget you want. Place it in your AF studio, blog, site, etc and come back here and put the link in the comments. You get one entry for every place that has the widget up. We will be out checking through out the month. At the end of the month we will use random.org to pick the winner. Rounds run till the end of the month and the winner is announced on the 5th of the following month. Every month starts a new round. So, if you don't win this month just put the link in the comments on the next round and be entered again.

Now, I know you're used to hearing me complain on this blog, so I won't disappoint you! If I could only get their station to tune in on my work computer, but I CAN'T!! GRRRR!!

http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/MSN_Emoticons/MSN-Emoticon-crying-038.gif

So, here you have it....

Thanks GafferGirls. There were a blogillion backgrounds to choose from. I think this one will suit me for the summer.

It's not too bright and nauseatingly cute. The birds feel like they get in the way, and i want to swoosh them on. But I'll get used to them.

So, now that I'm done complaining about cute back grounds, I can get on with my normal boohoo-ing!

Life ain't all sunshine and daisies!

Seems to me I've said that before....

Well, I thought since I'm such a crab ass that I thought I'd brighten up my blog a little with some daisy background. Well, honestly, that made me a little nauseous. So I moved on and tried different things.

I tried browns, blah. Blue, too bright. Green, too minty. The one you see now is the one I am stuck with until I feel like doing this again because I'm seriously getting irritated. I know I chose "The Cutest Blog On The Block" website, but come on! Does everything have to be so damn cute?

So, if you feel like clicking on the upper left and taking a peek. See if you can find a not-so-dark and gloomy back ground, and I'll maybe consider it. Unless you think this one is okay. But I'm thinking NOT!

Let's Go on A Treasure Hunt!

Doesn't that sound like fun! It does to me. Come and join me this Saturday in my ArtFire shop for an awesomely cool spectaculoso treasure hunt.

Here's how it will work...I'll bury a treasure somewhere in my ArtFire shop, and you have to dig it up. No shovel required, just your eyeballs!

The treasure you are searching for will actually be picture of a treasure chest. You need to find that in one of my listings. It will either be one of the pictures itself, or it will be hidden inside one of the pictures. I haven't quite decided yet, but feel free to comment and let me know :)

Your treasure will be an awesome spectaculoso gift from me! Just ask my dear friend Verna. She visited my Artfire shop and was the first person to make a purchase, and I gave her a gift of one awesome hot pink handmade lampwork bead and one cute little fairy pendant. Which she loved, by the way! Thanks Verna!!

While I'm chattering about my shop, let me add that I charge a very minimal shipping fee of under $2.50, no matter how many items you buy. Why? Because I can! lol Sassy, aren't I?

If you have any questions, please ask here, I'll be happy to answer them for you!

And, if you don't mind, I'd love to tell you my future plans for Glasstastic Treasures. As you may know, I have been searching for a new home for selling my items. Etsy has grown in popularity and size. But with that comes the added responsibility of having to list and relist my items just to get noticed. That means I have to pass the cost on to you, my customer, by raising my prices so I can pay all the fees I have to pay Etsy and PayPal.

So, I've hunted high and low, and finally found a site that drives traffic to my shop, and I don't have to list and relist to get my items seen. That venue is ArtFire. I love it. It's fun, friendly, and colorful on the eye. AND, they're going to let us customize our shops with awesome cool colors. We get to be unique and individual! How great is that?

I pay one low fee per month to list, and I can list and list and list. Nothing else. So I don't have to add fees to my items. All I have to do is make that one extra sale to cover my costs! Yahoo!!

And, even better is the fact that ArtFire offers a 28 second check out. No need to sign up for an account, or sign in. Just click and buy, pay and run. Zippity doo dah, you're all done. Check it out below. I know Verna used it. And she didn't have any complaints! (Waves to Verna)

So, come help me pay my first month's rent, hehe, buy something great for yourself, and get something great from me! See you there, this Saturday!!

So, when you travel halfway across the country to get to work...

...you encounter a gazillion and a half insane and stupid drivers!!

You may notice that a lot of my rants involve driving. That's because I have to drive clear across my state and into the next to get to a job that gives me migraines and carpal tunnel. So I come across all kinds of insane behavior.

Like this morning. A delivery truck had to honk at some idiot who cut him off, even though that idiot thought they had plenty of room. And she did it because people can't decide how fast they want to drive. I can hear them...seriously, I can. They're sitting there going, "la la la. I think I'll speed it up a bit. Oh no, now I'm in front of the vehicle next to me, I better slow down. La la la. Oops, now that vehicle is in front of me, I better speed up." All the while never giving anyone any real room to get BY!!! So YES, I CUT YOU OFF BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE TO WORK BEFORE THE SUN SETS, and I know I had room, dude.

See! Now I've become one of those annoying drivers. Which, thankfully, the Speedy Delivery guy (yes, that's the name on the truck) reminded me with his honk. Yes, I SAW YOU FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! Now move!! Remember, I need to be in front.

And you know what? I really love my V6 Impala. It goes fast. Did I tell you one day I was driving down the freeway and changed lanes to pass a car that was going slower then me. And what happens? Yep, he speeds up. FINE, I'll pull back into the lane behind you! (angry face and lots of @#$%^&*!)

What? NOW YOU SLOW DOWN? God, fine, I'll pass you....hey...what the? No, you are not going to play this game with me, asshat (I toned that down a little for you faint of heart), you are not going to speed up when I do, and slow down when I do.

So I floor it and zip past him. It doesn't take long for my car to do 80. And I take my foot off the gas and let it go back to my cruising speed. HUGE smirk on my face, cuz, yeah, I passed the Cavalier full of teenagers!

What's this? The Cavalier is pulling up behind me? Changing lanes to pass me? Ah, no, because we're not playing that game! I have a 6 cylinder, you only have 4. You will NOT beat me!

So, we're traveling at about 75 now, because I thought it best I stay in front of the little people. But, no, they feel the need to creep up on me, so I figure that the car load of punk kids should be given the evil eye, so I turn my head with a huge grin on my face, that grin said, "Really? Do you want to take on a v6? Not only will I win, but your rods will shoot out of your engine block, and the smoke will be seen for miles around. And yes, I'll stop and laugh while I call you an expensive tow truck, YOU EVIL LITTLE PUNKS!"

So they backed off and slowed down, and left me alone. Don't mess with a middle aged angry woman behind a V6 engine!!!

And that is pretty much a typical adventurous day on the drive to work for me!

What are you up to?

Oh, I'm glad you asked. I'm sitting here eating my hot dog smothered in ketchup with some mustard and relish wondering why some people say real humans don't put ketchup on hot dogs because I thought I was human and I have ketchup on my hot dog, so go figure. Real people do eat ketchup on their hot dogs!

Before that I was cleaning the bathroom and as I Swiffered (Swiffer company owes me for product plug) I wondered how I could possibly have any hair left on my head because it all appears to be on the floor.

I'd cleaned the toilet earlier and was astonished to find that I had to pee so bad I couldn't wait to wipe the seat dry after using those soaking wet cleaning cloths and now my butt is sanitized.

Oh, and my daughter called to see if I'd baby sit and I said no and she replies that it's okay cuz they're having kids over and her son wants to play with his friend anyways. So I'm left there staring at my phone wondering why she even asked me in the first place, so obviously I failed some sore of test because she said goodbye.

Before that I was wondering why I didn't think before signing up or another website because now I have about 8 million and I can't even keep track of them all. And you think I would have been happy to find out that one of my websites completely deleted my account, because that would free up my time. But no, I went and re-established that account and now there's somewhere else I have to post and upload pictures.

And if that wasn't bad enough I created another Flickr group so I can have less free time then I do now because I really don't like sleeping, that's what coffee was invented for.

Yesterday I had realized that since I now have a new email address I'd best update that info with all my online payment accounts so that when they email me to tell me my payment bounced I'll know why the TV, phone and electricity has suddenly been shut off. I spend half of today updating that, and also found out my daughter has her name on my amazon.com account which is weird cuz how the hell did she even get in there, dang those "remember me" buttons. And there's a page called "Nana's profile" so that obviously was my grand daughters doing. So I can only assume my daughter was drinking and has now involved her 8 year old in the classic pass time of drinking and doing drive by profile changes.

And while cleaning out my old email box I found info on even more websites I'm signed up on and then realized I hadn't posted on my blog for a while but I really didn't know what I was going to say so I had more coffee. And a couple hot dogs with ketchup. YES, KETCHUP! Because I'm some weird alternate me from another dimension who likes ketchup on her hot dog. And that brings me back to my blog and the story of my day.

It's now 2:06 pm CST. So thanks for asking what I've been up to. Because otherwise I'd have had NOTHING to write about, except maybe that guy in the Max Gray Construction truck who cut me off the other day because he was obviously still sleeping as could be seen by his wild bedhead hair sticking out all over the place, hello it's called a hair brush. And the fact that he didn't even bother to turn his head to check his blind spot to see if my car was there, which it WAS!! Or was it Grey Max something or other? Well, either way, you suck at driving!

Have a good day. (Waiting for check from Swiffer company)

Driving Leasons from a Pro

I thought that I would give everyone some tips on driving. Since most of the people on the road seem to lose all common sense when the get behind the wheel.

One thing to remember is SAFETY FIRST. The second thing is that I like to be in front of the pack, so just get the hell out of my way already!!

Okay. With those important reminders said, let's move on to my observations from the snowstorm driving I experienced yesterday....

• Speeding up while someone is trying to pass you will just cause them great rage and they may just run your ass off the road!
• Pulling out in front of people when the roads are slippery is NOT a good idea. Unless you want to file a claim with your insurance company, have your rates go up and find out you didn't have gap coverage so you'll have to sell your first born to get a new car!!
  
• Just because there is room for your car in between two other cars in the next lane does NOT mean it's safe to put your car between them! Seriously people, THINK!
• Pulling out in front of a semi is NEVER, I can't stress it enough-N E V E R a good idea. Do you realize it takes them about 10 minutes to stop that huge load of 800 million pounds of cargo? So basically, by the time they've stopped, all 18 wheels have run your dumb ass over. Don't let Darwin win this one folks. Smarten up!
• Can't seem to make it up that slippery slope? Have you ever thought of NEW TIRES? I shouldn't have to point this one out, but you made me.
• When changing lanes on snow covered roads do it slowly and smoothly. Don't jerk the steering wheel to move the car over the little ridge of snow. It will grab your tires and whip you into the ditch. Seriously! Ask all the people I laugh at as I wave at them in the ditch...while I drive by!
  
• If you are going to drive 10 miles an hour on the freeway please turn your flashers on so we do not have to swerve into the next lane to avoid killing ourselves because you're too scared to hit mach 1. I'd like to thank the person yesterday who DID have their flashers on, and recommend the above advise on new tires!

Well, this was all I felt like getting into today. Seems like common sense to me.

Women's Lib: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

As one of my co-worker friends and I pondered how much we hated our jobs the other day, we wondered, WHY? Why did we think it was going to be such a great idea to get all liberated and stuff? Do you realize that most of my generation really only gave themselves more work to do?

Now, don't get me wrong. Yay woman's lib, and being able to make choices, and do what we want, and vote. Not sure how that's really helped us out, in the long run. But seriously, who thought it would be a good idea to have to work all day, go to the grocery store, pick the kids up from daycare, cook supper, clean up supper, clean up after the kids and then have the energy to make your husband "happy" before bed? Huh? Who thought that was a good idea?

Some of you may think I'm being a little over dramatic. But you are probably the ones who have really great hubbies who help cook dinner (besides hamburgers), and will help wash the dishes, and put the kids to bed, and help you clean up the toys. And then gives you a full-body message to help you relax and make you "happy".

But, in reality, what woman's lib did was just pile a 9-5 job on top of everything else we have to do. I know, because my Neanderthal of a husband point blank told me just last winter that it was his duty to take care of the outdoor chores, and my duty to take care of the "indoor" chores.

That's right ladies. My DUTY was to clean up after his lazy butt, cooking and cleaning and making him "happy"! And then what does he do? He DITCHES me mid winter to go gallivanting around the country by taking on an over-the-road driving job. So, now who gets to shovel the snow? ME!

The only good thing was I only had to pick up after myself. And in reality, it turned out to be less work just taking care of myself AND shoveling, then cleaning up after him, while he did the shoveling. Which seriously people, is not all that often lately. Especially since he's decided we will survive walking through a walkway covered in snow and ice.

So, I have to cut this short. I just got a call from the garage to come out and work on my work bench stool. Because it's mine, and therefore I have to do it.

Don't get me wrong, I love my hubby. He's great, he gets me propane and oxygen for my torches, he makes really good meatloaf and hamburgers. But he doesn't really lift a finger in the the household department. I have learned to do plumbing, electrical, and carpentry. The first two I learned from my husband, the latter from my dad.

So, I'm off to do the manly thing...get the power tools and get the job done right by having a woman do it...ME!!

Everyone is dumb, but me....

Did you ever say that to yourself? I'm guessing you have. I say it to myself all the time. Like, when I heard about the Firefox browser, at first, I said, well, I've never heard of that, must be dumb. Then I looked it up online, and downloaded it and WOW. I said to myself, I am so smart to have found Firefox, it's so FAST!! It is, seriously fast, like the stealth bomber, except it won't fall apart and crash on someone's house. And the government has nothing to do with it so it's tax free....for now.

So, today, my little anti virus icon is yellow, meaning I better find out what's going on, cuz yellow means "caution" and all. So it says I need to download updates...click here. Okay, so I click, and what happens? IE opens up (Internet Explorer). Well, again I say to myself, "Well, that's dumb that I can't make it open in Firefox but I so do not have time to mess with this dumb thing because I have a blog to write. And I already spent a hundred hours trying to figure it out before and it apparently only likes IE, so that's just dumb. I thought Bill Gates was smart so why his anti virus only works in IE is so totally dumb!

Well, I come here all irritated and everything because I hate IE, and I start typing about how dumb everything is and I get to the point where I type about my anti virus being yellow and my computer freezes up. Again...DUMB IE!! So I click on that, and after all that time nothing had happened on IE cuz it froze up all dumb and stuff. So I go get more coffee, wishing I liked brandy and whiskey cuz I'd so be adding some of that to my coffee, but I don't so I'll just have to be sober and mad.

So the dumb IE finally loads it's dumb page and I click on the update icon...again! The box pops up saying "download 1 of 1". Well, thank the good lord for that because that dumb download is putting a good 248 MB on my computer! Taking up good space I could be downloading other cool stuff onto. But no, I have to update my anti virus because of all the DUMB hackers and virus creators who have nothing better to do with their dumb lives then make our really cool and smart lives miserable.

Okay, so after all this talk about all the dumb stuff going on in my computer it still has only loaded 46 MB of it's dumb 248 MB so I might as well go shopping or something. Maybe I'll send Bill and email and tell him how dumb IE is because he just doesn't know it yet, even though he probably totally owns it but I can't look it up because the dumb download is hogging all my PF usage and totally slowing down my computer. Then maybe he'll say that I'm so smart he needs to hire me to help him spend his money making really cool websites that are way better then IE and I'll be famous and everyone with totally know how smart I am.

BTW, only 72 MB downloaded! Dumb download!

I'm BAAAACK, and I'm goin' to hell!

I so had to bring this blog back to life so I could complain about my evil nemesis. It's true, just like Superman, Batman and Mr. Incredible, I too have an evil nemesis.

She's an evil troll from where I work. Yes, that's right. I called her a troll, and although some may say I could go to hell for being so mean, I have to say I am already in HELL!!

So, previously, I had complained (not on this blog) of her staring at my back all day long. So after making a few comments on that habit of hers, I finally had to yell at her. And it all went downhill from there.

I recently have decided that she is a she-devil and her sole purpose in life to to make my life pure hell.

So, generally I am a very happy person, I love to laugh. And yes, as proven by this blog, I love to gripe about people who make me mad. We all do. And so does SHE! However, her negativity is energy draining and it saps any and all happiness from your body. Basically she sucks the life essence from you like those creepy bird thingies in Dark Crystal.

So, at work, in our Dilbert cubes I like to call jail cells, I had requested a wall so that she would have difficulty turning around and staring at the back of my head. As well as tapping on the back of my chair and saying "look at this service request. don't these people know any of their own rules?" I cringe at the sound of her voice, just so you know.

Well, as you can imagine management told me to shut the hell up because I am NOBODY and I am not worth the extra $5 to put up a stinking wall. So I built my own wall. It's an imaginary wall. But it was practically impenetrable by most super hero standards.

So, anyway, the other day my new supervisor asked how it was going and I told him how it was. I wanted a wall, or to be moved, or relocated to the middle of the Sahara Desert where I could be eaten alive by sand dune creatures. But NOOOO!

So he says to me, "Can't you be nice and just get along?" So I think to myself, as I am always the optimist (NOT)...Sure, I'll give it a try. So I come to work the next day, say hi to the evil one, and make idle chit chat for at least a good 15 seconds, but not too much. And what the hell do you suppose happens? YES, that's right. All the rest of the day I get to hear, "why was this sent to us? What am I supposed to do with that. What is this service request supposed to mean. Don't they know anything. Look at this scanning, I can't ready that. This is ridiculous, that is wrong, this is wrong, I'm a bitch and I can't stop complaining!" Okay, I ad-libbed (how the Sam hell do you spell that word?) some of that, but you get the gist of it.

So, in essence, my wall of security was way too easily knocked down, violated, ransacked. Just like the Berlin Wall. Or those farmers in China who dig holes in the Great Wall because the grass is always greener on the other side.

So, I have decided it's time to take matters into my own hands. I have to do it. There's no other way. No, not a gun, geesh people! Voodoo doll!! I made it myself.

It should be totally effective in putting a hex on the old crow. Maybe it will even turn her into an old crow. But either way, tomorrow, I take my little Voodoo doll and when she turns and taps on the back of my chair tomorrow, if one evil hiss comes out of her mouth, ZAP, she's gonna get the Voodoo!

I totally believe in taking care of things logistically! I mean after all, what else can I do?

Where in the world....

...have I been.

I'm sorry, I've been so busy. I'm trying to run an online shop to sell my lampwork beads. And it's a lot of work.

I was going to delete this blog, but I decided to keep it opened and post links here if you want to check in on me.

www.blogspot.com/glasstastictreasures
www.glasstastictreasures.etsy.com
http://www.freewebs.com/glasstastictreasures/
http://www.squidoo.com/lensmasters/GlasstasticTreasures

Feel free to visit me at any of these sites. Or leave me a comment here if you have something you'd like to hear about. I'll check in every now and then!

WTF language is this?

I don't know how your company works, but our company keeps a skeleton crew with the expectations that nothing will EVER go wrong. Well, they couldn't be more wrong.

They've been trying to cross train us so each one on our team members can do someone else's job, just in case something happens. But we're so shorthanded we just don't have the time or resources. "We need to get this cross training done in the unfortunate event that something happens to someone. God forbid!" OK, that's all fine and dandy, so when would you like us to squeeze that in?

Well, we started creating "Job Aids" which contain, or are supposed to contain, the full instructions to complete a job. Any monkey is supposed to be able to pick up these papers and do any job. Wow, what a relief! This will really be helpful. NOT.

So yesterday, an unfortunate event happened and one of our team mates needed surgery. Okay, we have job aids. I'm sure it won't be easy, but how hard can it be? Well, let me tell you!

Not only did I have my own 8 hours worth of work to do, but now I had someone else's 8 hours of work. So anyways, I sit down with a "Job AID" to process a report. I read, and re-read, and RE-READ. OK, I think I have it. I pull the report down from a program, I save it as Excel. I move colums, hide others, and create new ones. OK, now I need a macro do pull some more information, it's found on the share drive, so I look, and I look....it's not there. That's OK, I can do a "vlookup", so I read, and re-read, and RE-READ...turn the page, no vlookup instructions.

WTF! I've maybe done ONE vlookup in my life, I can't pull the information out of my ass, although that is apparently where my crystal ball is stored! Because some people ASSUME you know what they know. Well, what happens when you assume? It only makes an ASS out of U and ME!! So now I'm the idiot sitting there with no one to help me and a file that needs to be worked so it can be sent to the main office!! ARRRRG And the fargin instructions are even more asinine!

So wtf is this? It looks like English. They are English words, but they make absolutely NO sense! So finally, on the SECOND day, I figure out that what's not making any sense is the face that the "heading" for the next set of the instructions is actually labeled as a STEP, instead of a description! Make any sense to you? Well, it didn't make sense to me either. AAAAAAAAAAAAH!! So here's me, reading this paper, weeping, wondering why I have to look in the item inquiry, and then 2 steps down have to do it again. When it clicked, I swear, it was a good thing that woman was not at work. Wham bam, to the MOON!

Well, another day was wasted on that garbage. I finally managed to get the bulk of it done. It's now two days late. Not sure I care at this point. I was just glad the manager was at our meeting this morning, because I basically said I was going to have to choose what was NOT going to get done today. That's always a good thing to be able to do to upper management! HAHAHA!

Good thing they gave me that big raise this year....I almost walked. Oh well, another day, another disaster!

LIfe isn't all sunshine and daisies!

I was on a website promoting my blog and someone asked if anything nice ever happens to me. Hmm, well, sure, nice things happen all the time.

• I got a huge raise at work


• my husband remembered Valentine's day


• My husband got a new job


• We're making plans to build a new garage


• We're getting ready to refinance and take out a home equity loan for a tax write off


• My son got a great raise at work and is next in line for a promotion


• I'm almost done assembling my exhaust system for my lampwork beads and will be able to start making beads again soon


• I have plans to build a new lampworking/stained glass studio, and I get to do whatever I want

Do you want me to go on? Does that in any way sound fun and humorous? I didn't think so either. Who wants to hear how perfect someone else's life is, so they can feel miserable and wish they had it better? I'm not here to make anyone feel miserable or inferior. I'm here to make people laugh! Anyone who is married can certainly say it's not a story of sunshine and daisies every single day. And anyone who says it is is either lying or in for a rude awakening one fine day when their "magic bubble" of life pops.

So why not let everyone see the humor in what disaster befalls me. Laugh it up, completely at my expense. I don't care. I'd love to make you laugh, smile or just feel a little better about your day.

Here's an example of my perfect life. When my husband and I were dating, he used to stop the car right in the middle of the road to pick me wild flowers and wild roses off the side of the road. I saved every one of them in a little Whitman's chocolate box he'd given me as a gift. After I ate the chocolate, of course. I have the ring he gave me when we were dating. I have pictures of parties with friends, of our first years together.

But the irritating and humorous part of my life is that:

• in the box with those flowers are the other little trinkets like the quarter he gave me for payment after one of our amorous parking adventures.


• The little metal "ford" plaque that fell off the doorjamb of the car we parked in.

how about stuff not in the box!

• Pictures of friends passed out at these parties


• The ring is in a box because I could never wear the cheap piece of garbage because it was made by some idiot who never considered that the design would actually inflict pain upon the wearer


• How about the little blue Volkswagen bug he sold on me because he got the white interior full of blood at one of his drinking parties when some idiot put his fist through a window and my husband graciously drove him to the ambulance station while blood was squirting all over and it looked like a massacre had taken place in it.


• or maybe the time I found out about him and his friends doing a tractor challenge over my Ford Grand Marquise because that was the only car they could find at the time they got that bug up their ass


• Here's a good one... the night I came home from my first night out with the girls after my son was born only to have him standing there all upset because the baby was crying and he was never babysitting for ME again! (not sure how watching your own kid is babysitting)

Ah, now wasn't that much more fun to hear about?

Am I the only person in this house with any brains?

Seriously, am I?

I woke up this morning to find out my 3 year old granddaughter had thrown up 3 times last night. The bathtub is full of puke, the blankets and pillowcases are full of puke. Someone in this cosmos please tell me WHY anyone would think it's a good idea to have a child throw up in the bathtub and then pile laundry on top of it???

Is common sense hereditary? Because if it is, they are missing some serious DNA!

Then, Natalea, the 3 year old, comes back to the office trailing a green strand of yarn behind her, asking for scissors. Okay, let's go see what's going on there. The 7 year old, Elyzabeth, and Natalea have some invention idea and need the yarn to create something. Okay, that's fine, we encourage imagination here. Let's just clean it up when we're done, alright? Okay.

Then, I go into the bathroom and open the shower door. I shed a lot of hair, and I have a special plastic drain cover to catch all the hair before it gets stuck in the drain. It's much easier to clean up that way.

Now, what happens next is totally my fault, but it's my shower and I'm entitled to freak out...I can see that someone used the shower, Eric, my 24 year old son. That's okay, his hair is shaved so how bad can it be? It's my hair, that he didn't bother to ask me to take out BEFORE he showered, so I'll just scoop it out....with my finger...bad idea!

The story here is that the shower doesn't really drain all that quickly. My husband says that's because the vent pipe is frozen. I think there's something else wrong, but what do I know. I'm just a woman. So I have to leave the shower to drain completely so I can clean my hair out. By the time I remember it's the next day, so I clean it out, the hair and shower is dry so even better for me.

Well, today, it's wet, but I have a strong stomach so I take my finger and start scooping hair. Oh, wait, what's this? IT'S NOT HAIR! Someone decided to clear out their sinuses in my shower that has a drain cover on it that won't allow hair through, let alone a loogie!! WHY, why on God's green earth would anyone think it's a good idea to spit that shit in a shower with virtually no where for it to GO???????

Okay, so there's a lot of colorful expletives and yelling going on. And the grand kids are curious as to what is going on. So after the chaos is over, I walk out of the bathroom and become tangled in about 35 feet of GREEN YARN!!

me: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP?!!! Did I, or did I not say to clean this up after yourselves.
7 year old: Yes you did, but we're not done with it.
me: Well, it looks to me like you're done since your sitting in the corner playing a game and not anywhere near the yarn, nor are you even touching it. Now clean it up!
7 year old: okay!

I dig puke covered pillowcases and towels out of the other shower and to the wash machine, wishing I could bleach them, but can't because the cases are bright blue and brand new. On the return trip from the wash machine I AGAIN become entangled in the yarn!!

What the hell, you're not touching this yarn therefore you're done with it now pick it up NOOOOOOWW!! Reply: OKAY! And someone shut off that damn Dora game, for the love of God, before I go insane. Reply: OKAY!

Why do I have to get out of control before anyone hears me? Is it really necessary for me to have to get mad around here? Well, at least the yarn is cleaned up and the game is turned down.

Now to clean up some pukey blankets.

Ah yes, here we go again....Welcome f-ing home!

My husband now works as an over the road trucker. It's a big change that we both have to try to get used to. Thanks to the economy, I'm sure there are many families out there who are making sacrifices also. So, when this decision of truck driving first came out, I was sad. But at least we'd be together every 3-5 days, so that won't be so bad, right? After all, he'd already been out of town for four weeks straight right before Thanksgiving, and we both survived. So we can do this too.

Well, as he's getting ready to leave, I realize I can't keep it in any longer. After all, some jackass is going to try to mug him, he'll get clubbed over the head with some pipe and be left for dead. He'll be mobbed, robbed and assaulted, and I'll never see him again, nor will anyone ever know what happened! Oh my god, he can't leave!! Deep breath, don't over exaggerate, everything will be fine. So just before he's getting read to leave, to show my confidence and support, I blurt out, "Maybe you should go buy a gun!"

NICE!! That'll make him feel better. Anything else you want to blurt out to boost his confidence and security? So, in return, to make me feel even better I hear "You know, I was thinking about that. I'm going to ask if I can bring a gun. But for now I'm bringing my knife."

Well sweet! So we're both thinking these hideous things and now neither one of us will get any sleep! My advantage is that I have a 100 pound dog to watch my back. And my husband is going to be completely alone, the man who can sleep through an earthquake! Good lord, he'd be killed before he even knew what was happening. *heavy sigh*

So, anyways, just this last week he gets the unexpected pleasure of coming home on a Tuesday night just this last week. Whoopee, we were both exhausted last weekend, and now is the perfect opportunity for me to break out the new nighties I secretly bought and we can get down to business!

So, I make him a big roast dinner. Definitely something he's not used to. I hate cooking these days, and rarely ever did. Now that he's gone I feel like I want to do these little things for him again.

We enjoy the meal, and are sitting at the table and he reaches over and grabs a letter. "Disconnection notice" from the power company. Oh hell, why did I leave that out. There are some things better left unseen by my husbands eyes: one is the mortgage payment coupon showing the total blood money due; and second is anything stating "final notice" or "disconnect". So naturally, he freaks out.

me: I paid the bill just last week. We just got that one, so it's OK, they just crossed in the mail.
him: are you sure. We don't need to come home and have the meter gone like before. (yes, I did it once before, I'm dumb, I admit it)
me: I just paid the damn thing, they crossed in the mail. I'm telling you.
him: I know you say you paid it, but maybe you just think you did. It's too cold to get the power shut off. And we don't have $100 to get it hooked back up. You need to make sure.

A fight ensues until I find the other portion of the bill. The portion where I write how much I paid with what check on what day. Does that make him happy? NOOOOO, he continues to nag and bitch and complain until finally I put my flannels on and go to bed pouting.

Thanks a lot you asshole! Now our night is ruined and we're both upset. And I haven't had sex in about 2 weeks. And since he's been gone, it seems like intimacy is the only thing that makes me feel like he cares. But who wants that now?

So, the week goes by, we talk on the phone, he's in a better mood, I'm still crabby. And he's coming home on Saturday. Well, this is the weekend all the grand kids are over, so there won't be a whole lot of intimacy going on, but at least we'll be able to enjoy each other's company.

Well, much to my surprise he walks in two hours early. And what are the first words out of his mouth? "Why the hell are both outside lights on, and how long have they been on? Don't you guys notice this stuff when you go outside? Why can't you pay attention to that stuff and shut those lights off. blah blah, blahbitty blah blah."

Are you fargin shitting me?? I haven't seen you for FIVE lousy days and the first thing out of your mouth is THIS? Well, needless to say, I blew. I let him have it. He made me feel like crap on Tuesday, and now he's doing it again!

Needless to say, the nightie is still in the closet....

Thank God it's Friday! So why am I not happy?

Yeah, Friday, no work tomorrow. But my Friday work is not over. I'm 44, my kids have grown. Yet I'm in a custody battle that will never END!! I want my Grand Daughter, and her mother is a complete idiot. So this is a typical Friday night pick up.....

I call early in the week, we make arrangements, yet on Friday afternoon she's NEVER there when I get there. It's been years now that we've been doing this, how hard can it possibly be?! I try so hard to make sure she understands when I'm going to be there and that, hey, just call me if anything changes. Oh, not my Grand Daughter, she knows more of what's going on and she's only 3.

So every other week we play the ritual "phone tag" game. I call and ask...oh yeah come get her Friday...I show up and, wait for it.......NO ONE IS THERE.

(Pause as tension builds) Oh, but wait, I have a date with my Dad for my birthday dinner. I have to get going, but Natalea knows she's coming over and I don't want to make her sad so I sit in the parking lot making calls.

10 minutes later, "oh, yeah, I'm at my mom's. I forgot to leave you a note." A note? How about an f-ing phone call you inconsiderate little bitch??

So, after dinner I rush over to pick up my Grand Daughter, and I'm NOT happy! This is it. It's been two years now and I can't take this anymore.

me: Every time I drive all the way to the other end of town to pick up Natalea you're not home. You never even bother to call me and tell me. And today you made me late for dinner with my Dad!

Bitch: Oh, yeah, I forgot to leave you a note.

Me: A note? You could call so I don't have to waste the gas (at $3 1/2 a gallon) and 10 minutes driving time only to find out your not.

Her Mom: Oh, she's such a brat.

Me: (inner monologue -spelt b-i-t-c-h) I don't appreciate it. And next time I'm not going to wait for you.

Because I have. I waited 2 hours one night. Wasn't happy. If I had a voodoo doll, her hair would be all over it. And there wouldn't be a bare spot on it. It would look like an overused pin cushion! And then, when she makes me really mad, I'll give it to the dog to chew on. Yeah, that'll show her. And then I'll light the hair on fire. Oh yeah, that would be awesome. So the next time I see her I could ask "What's wrong, dear? Oh, I'm so sorry. Your hair looks a little...do I smell smoke?" Mew ah ha ha (insert evil laugh here)

So has anything changed? Yes and no. For today we've already made arrangements for me to be to her house at 4:30. About 4:25 I get a call. She's not home, what a surprise, I never would have expected! Blah blah blah, when the hell are you going to be home? My son is on his way he'll meet you there. Blah blah blah. Yep, I've given up, my son's going to have to deal with most of this now.

I know he's a little worried that she'll beat him up again, and then have him thrown in jail for domestic abuse, like she did once before. Seriously! I'm just glad he decided he really doesn't like prison! But come on, I may beat her senseless!! And then I'll be in jail for a legitimate reason. And I don't think my grand daughter would be too happy with me.

So I patiently put up with her crap. And I am NOT a patient woman, trust me!!